The eight types of love

There’s no such thing as a negative emotion. At a base level, emotions arise from patterns of activity across several brain systems and body responses that work together to prepare us for what the brain predicts is likely to happen next. You see a cute puppy (of either species): systems involved in reward and bonding become active, releasing chemicals such as dopamine and oxytocin that support approach, care, and connection. Someone comes at you with a large stick threatening to hit you (assuming you didn’t ask for it): the brain interprets danger and activates the body’s threat response, including the release of adrenaline, preparing you to run away, fight back, or otherwise protect yourself. With the puppy, you’re likely to feel joy, or love, or happiness. With the stick-wielding attacker, you may feel afraid, or angry, or confused, depending on the circumstances. And of course, all those emotions would be justified. We are often taught that the so-called negative emotions (sadness, anger, confusion, loneliness etc) are bad. That means that when they surface for us, they can feel doubly uncomfortable: not only are they telling us something is wrong, but we also feel that we shouldn’t be feeling them in the first place. This is particularly true in relationships or the workplace, where negative emotions like anger or frustration feel unhealthy. However, instead of seeing emotions as good or bad, it’s often useful to view them as helping us understand the direction that we want to go: towards or away from something. Happiness, clearly, tells us that we want to move towards the thing that gives us joy (the puppy). Anger or fear tell us to get the hell out of the way of the stick brandishing wannabe assassin. Both are absolutely appropriate. So far, so obvious, but how can you deal with ‘away from’ (negative) emotions in relationships or the workplace? Say you feel resentful towards your partner. That’s clearly an ‘away from’ emotion. The question is, what are you feeling pushed away from? Take a look at the table below – resentment means you feel pushed away from ‘Needs or limits’. Which leads to the question “what are the needs or limits that you feel you’re being denied?” Or maybe you feel humiliated by your Boss. The table suggests that this means that you have been pushed away from feeling like you have ‘dignity’. In this case, you could ask the question whether that’s actually true (in particular, do others view it that way), or is this an internal script that your Boss has come in conflict with.

Christmas alone? Hanukah with the homophobes? Kwanzaa with people who judge you? New Years separated from your loved ones? As we move into the holiday season, many people find this time more emotionally demanding than expected. Even when things look festive on the outside, what’s happening inside can be very different — stress, pressure, loneliness, old family dynamics, or complicated feelings can all surface. If this season feels heavy or overwhelming, please know you’re not alone. To help you stay grounded, here are a few simple practices from our counsellor, Paul, which you may find find supportive: Keep things manageable Give yourself permission to reduce pressure and expectations and do what YOU want. You don’t need to do everything, attend everything, or feel a certain way. Choosing what truly matters to you, and gently letting go of what doesn’t, can dramatically reduce stress. Allow your emotions to exist Tough feelings don’t mean you’re doing something wrong. They are valid responses to a demanding time of year, and they are telling you something. Try to name what you're feeling (“I’m tired,” “I feel disconnected,” “I’m anxious about X”). Naming emotions often softens their intensity. Create small moments to breathe Even 1–2 minutes of slow breathing can help your nervous system settle. A simple practice: breathe in for 4 seconds, out for 6. Repeat a few times. It signals safety and reduces overwhelm. Reach out when you need support Whether it’s a friend, a safe person, or one of us at Consciously Kinky, staying connected can make a big difference. A message, a brief check-in, or a shared moment of honesty, or simply unpacking what is going on in our minds can ease feelings of isolation. Don’t forget, we also offer WhatsApp counselling, so even when you’re at home with your parents and paper thin walls, we can help. Set boundaries where needed If certain situations, conversations, or people drain you, it’s okay to step back, excuse yourself, or limit time spent there. Boundaries protect your energy, not your distance from others. At Consciously Kinky, both of us (Matthew and Paul) are here if you need a caring, non-judgemental space during this period. Whether it’s emotional support, a listening ear, or some grounding guidance, you’re welcome to reach out. All parts of your life — identity, desires, struggles, and hopes — are embraced here without judgement. We’re fully kink-aware and LGBTQ+ affirming.

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