There's no such thing as a negative emotion
There's no such thing as a negative emotion
There’s no such thing as a negative emotion.
At a base level, emotions arise from patterns of activity across several brain systems and body responses that work together to prepare us for what the brain predicts is likely to happen next.
You see a cute puppy (of either species): systems involved in reward and bonding become active, releasing chemicals such as dopamine and oxytocin that support approach, care, and connection.
Someone comes at you with a large stick threatening to hit you (assuming you didn’t ask for it): the brain interprets danger and activates the body’s threat response, including the release of adrenaline, preparing you to run away, fight back, or otherwise protect yourself.
With the puppy, you’re likely to feel joy, or love, or happiness. With the stick-wielding attacker, you may feel afraid, or angry, or confused, depending on the circumstances. And of course, all those emotions would be justified.
We are often taught that the so-called negative emotions (sadness, anger, confusion, loneliness etc) are bad. That means that when they surface for us, they can feel doubly uncomfortable: not only are they telling us something is wrong, but we also feel that we shouldn’t be feeling them in the first place.
This is particularly true in relationships or the workplace, where negative emotions like anger or frustration feel unhealthy.
However, instead of seeing emotions as good or bad, it’s often useful to view them as helping us understand the direction that we want to go: towards or away from something.
Happiness, clearly, tells us that we want to move towards the thing that gives us joy (the puppy). Anger or fear tell us to get the hell out of the way of the stick brandishing wannabe assassin. Both are absolutely appropriate.
So far, so obvious, but how can you deal with ‘away from’ (negative) emotions in relationships or the workplace?
Say you feel resentful towards your partner. That’s clearly an ‘away from’ emotion. The question is, what are you feeling pushed away from? Take a look at the table below – resentment means you feel pushed away from ‘Needs or limits’. Which leads to the question “what are the needs or limits that you feel you’re being denied?”
Or maybe you feel humiliated by your Boss. The table suggests that this means that you have been pushed away from feeling like you have ‘dignity’. In this case, you could ask the question whether that’s actually true (in particular, do others view it that way), or is this an internal script that your Boss has come in conflict with.
