What is Coaching?

Matthew • 28 August 2025

So what exactly is Coaching?

At Consciously Kinky we use four key methodologies: Coaching, Counselling, Hypnotherapy and EMDR. Over the coming weeks, we'd like to tell you about each one and how it could benefit you.

This week, the spotlight is on coaching.

I'm Matthew. I'm an ICF (International Coaching Federation) accredited coach. (I've got a PCC and over 900 hours of coaching under his belt for people who are impressed by these things.)

I remember when I was first handed a card from someone who claimed to be a life coach. I remember thinking “How could you possibly have the audacity to tell me how to live my life?”

Of course, that’s not what a life coach (or any other type of coach) does. When I’m doing my whole BDSM Master thing, I tell people what to do. When I’m working with coaching clients, I’m more likely to ask questions to help them gain new awarenesses about their own lives.

Believe it or not, you’re pretty good at life.

If you’re reading this then you’ve made it to adulthood, can read, have enough money to have a device that you can read it on.

You have more skills than you know. Coaching can help you find those resources within you.

But sometimes, our lives simply don’t go the way we would like them to. Maybe your life has taken a turn you weren’t anticipating or maybe it’s not going the way you hoped. Maybe it feels like you’re not going anywhere fast, or you can’t work out where you want to go.

What coaching can do is to give you a space to work out how to better use the skills and resources you already have and make your life more successful as a result.

Who do you work with?

I could give you countless success stories from my clients. I’ve coached people across the globe and of all walks of life.

Here’s just a few examples:

- Students looking to overcome procrastination.

- Early career professionals hoping to find a path.

- Middle managers trying to improve leadership skills.

- CEOs and business owners building their companies trying to make more money.

- Retirees navigating a new life after work, or the death of loved ones.

- People trying to overcome addictions, lose weight, reduce pain, sleep better, reduce anxiety or become better singers.

- Couples working to improve their relationships, become open or overcome infidelity.

- People coming out as LGBTQ+ or discovering BDSM.

- People who are newly single and navigating life on their own.

- People who have been doing the same thing for too long and just feel stuck.

All of my clients are promised: No Judgement, No Shame, No need for Apologies for being yourself.

Paul and I set up Constantly Kinky because we were constantly told by people in the community that traditional coaches and therapists did not understand their lifestyle. We promise you will get not judgement here.

Everyone I've worked with is safe knowing there's no judgement, no shame. Which means that I often work with people who are LGBTQ+, poly or kinky who want to be sure they can talk about their whole lives.

Some frequently asked questions about coaching:

Do you tell people what to do in their lives?

Nope. I don’t live your life and I’ve no reason to know what you should do with your life any better than you do already.

Do you teach your clients?

Sometimes, but not often. For example, I may tell my clients about a model that will help their leadership or their understanding of themselves. But it's not really about teaching, it's more about offering something that could lead to a new perspective.

Is there anything you don’t work with?

Coaching is mainly future-focused. I work to help you to define goals, overcome challenges and to find success. What I don’t do in coaching is to delve into the past, work with traumas, childhood issues, deep anxiety etc.

This doesn’t mean that someone with trauma can’t have coaching - they can. But in coaching itself we won’t be trying to heal the wounds that traumatic experiences have left behind. EMDR (which I also offer) and counselling (offered by Paul) are better methodologies for dealing with traumas and other upsets. At Consciously Kinky we offer an integrated way of working so you can be supported throughout your journey.

Similarly, you may come to coaching whilst you have health (or mental health) conditions, but I'd background rather than trying to fix them. A good example was one person I worked with who had bipolar disorder. It was being well treated by doctors, but we had to be aware that she would sometimes have very low periods of life and discussed how to cope with her work during these periods. We didn’t try to fix the bipolar disorder itself.

What’s a coaching session like?

Each is different, as each client has different needs and I tailor my approach to match them. Most start with the client bringing a challenge (“I want to make a decision” or “I want to overcome something” are common) and then we will work together to plan a route forward. More often than not, the challenge they bring is only part of the problem. Coaching is flexible and flows to where you need it to go.

How much is coaching?

I have various packages available for different people. The price that I charge will be based on your circumstance, your challenge, and the time we spend together. One thing I always say is that I don't want price to be a barrier. If you're on a low wage, or you're a student, let me know and we can work something out.

How do I find out more?

Contact me today to organise a complimentary ‘Experience Coaching’ session. We will do some real coaching together. You’ll see what it is I do (and how I do it), plus there’s time to discuss what working together would be like, the cost, and for you to ask any questions you may have.

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There's no such thing as a negative emotion

by Matthew • 16 February 2026

There’s no such thing as a negative emotion. At a base level, emotions arise from patterns of activity across several brain systems and body responses that work together to prepare us for what the brain predicts is likely to happen next. You see a cute puppy (of either species): systems involved in reward and bonding become active, releasing chemicals such as dopamine and oxytocin that support approach, care, and connection. Someone comes at you with a large stick threatening to hit you (assuming you didn’t ask for it): the brain interprets danger and activates the body’s threat response, including the release of adrenaline, preparing you to run away, fight back, or otherwise protect yourself. With the puppy, you’re likely to feel joy, or love, or happiness. With the stick-wielding attacker, you may feel afraid, or angry, or confused, depending on the circumstances. And of course, all those emotions would be justified. We are often taught that the so-called negative emotions (sadness, anger, confusion, loneliness etc) are bad. That means that when they surface for us, they can feel doubly uncomfortable: not only are they telling us something is wrong, but we also feel that we shouldn’t be feeling them in the first place. This is particularly true in relationships or the workplace, where negative emotions like anger or frustration feel unhealthy. However, instead of seeing emotions as good or bad, it’s often useful to view them as helping us understand the direction that we want to go: towards or away from something. Happiness, clearly, tells us that we want to move towards the thing that gives us joy (the puppy). Anger or fear tell us to get the hell out of the way of the stick brandishing wannabe assassin. Both are absolutely appropriate. So far, so obvious, but how can you deal with ‘away from’ (negative) emotions in relationships or the workplace? Say you feel resentful towards your partner. That’s clearly an ‘away from’ emotion. The question is, what are you feeling pushed away from? Take a look at the table below – resentment means you feel pushed away from ‘Needs or limits’. Which leads to the question “what are the needs or limits that you feel you’re being denied?” Or maybe you feel humiliated by your Boss. The table suggests that this means that you have been pushed away from feeling like you have ‘dignity’. In this case, you could ask the question whether that’s actually true (in particular, do others view it that way), or is this an internal script that your Boss has come in conflict with.

Surviving the Holidays

by Paul • 10 December 2025

Christmas alone? Hanukah with the homophobes? Kwanzaa with people who judge you? New Years separated from your loved ones? As we move into the holiday season, many people find this time more emotionally demanding than expected. Even when things look festive on the outside, what’s happening inside can be very different — stress, pressure, loneliness, old family dynamics, or complicated feelings can all surface. If this season feels heavy or overwhelming, please know you’re not alone. To help you stay grounded, here are a few simple practices from our counsellor, Paul, which you may find find supportive: Keep things manageable Give yourself permission to reduce pressure and expectations and do what YOU want. You don’t need to do everything, attend everything, or feel a certain way. Choosing what truly matters to you, and gently letting go of what doesn’t, can dramatically reduce stress. Allow your emotions to exist Tough feelings don’t mean you’re doing something wrong. They are valid responses to a demanding time of year, and they are telling you something. Try to name what you're feeling (“I’m tired,” “I feel disconnected,” “I’m anxious about X”). Naming emotions often softens their intensity. Create small moments to breathe Even 1–2 minutes of slow breathing can help your nervous system settle. A simple practice: breathe in for 4 seconds, out for 6. Repeat a few times. It signals safety and reduces overwhelm. Reach out when you need support Whether it’s a friend, a safe person, or one of us at Consciously Kinky, staying connected can make a big difference. A message, a brief check-in, or a shared moment of honesty, or simply unpacking what is going on in our minds can ease feelings of isolation. Don’t forget, we also offer WhatsApp counselling, so even when you’re at home with your parents and paper thin walls, we can help. Set boundaries where needed If certain situations, conversations, or people drain you, it’s okay to step back, excuse yourself, or limit time spent there. Boundaries protect your energy, not your distance from others. At Consciously Kinky, both of us (Matthew and Paul) are here if you need a caring, non-judgemental space during this period. Whether it’s emotional support, a listening ear, or some grounding guidance, you’re welcome to reach out. All parts of your life — identity, desires, struggles, and hopes — are embraced here without judgement. We’re fully kink-aware and LGBTQ+ affirming.

What is Coaching?

So what exactly is Coaching?

There's no such thing as a negative emotion

Surviving the Holidays

Your BOLT score

What is Hypnotherapy?

The Window of Tolerance: Understanding Your Nervous System and Emotional Balance

What is Counselling?

What is EMDR?