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There's no such thing as a negative emotion

Mon, 16 Feb 2026 12:16:44 GMT

There's no such thing as a negative emotion

There’s no such thing as a negative emotion.

At a base level, emotions arise from patterns of activity across several brain systems and body responses that work together to prepare us for what the brain predicts is likely to happen next.

You see a cute puppy (of either species): systems involved in reward and bonding become active, releasing chemicals such as dopamine and oxytocin that support approach, care, and connection.

Someone comes at you with a large stick threatening to hit you (assuming you didn’t ask for it): the brain interprets danger and activates the body’s threat response, including the release of adrenaline, preparing you to run away, fight back, or otherwise protect yourself.

With the puppy, you’re likely to feel joy, or love, or happiness. With the stick-wielding attacker, you may feel afraid, or angry, or confused, depending on the circumstances. And of course, all those emotions would be justified.

We are often taught that the so-called negative emotions (sadness, anger, confusion, loneliness etc) are bad. That means that when they surface for us, they can feel doubly uncomfortable: not only are they telling us something is wrong, but we also feel that we shouldn’t be feeling them in the first place.

This is particularly true in relationships or the workplace, where negative emotions like anger or frustration feel unhealthy.

However, instead of seeing emotions as good or bad, it’s often useful to view them as helping us understand the direction that we want to go: towards or away from something.

Happiness, clearly, tells us that we want to move towards the thing that gives us joy (the puppy). Anger or fear tell us to get the hell out of the way of the stick brandishing wannabe assassin. Both are absolutely appropriate.

So far, so obvious, but how can you deal with ‘away from’ (negative) emotions in relationships or the workplace?

Say you feel resentful towards your partner. That’s clearly an ‘away from’ emotion. The question is, what are you feeling pushed away from? Take a look at the table below – resentment means you feel pushed away from ‘Needs or limits’. Which leads to the question “what are the needs or limits that you feel you’re being denied?”

Or maybe you feel humiliated by your Boss. The table suggests that this means that you have been pushed away from feeling like you have ‘dignity’. In this case, you could ask the question whether that’s actually true (in particular, do others view it that way), or is this an internal script that your Boss has come in conflict with.

Screenshot this table. Next time you feel an ‘away from’ emotion, have a quick look at it and decide what that emotion is telling you. Then, once you’ve worked that out, you can formulate a plan for what to do next.

And, of course, the ‘towards’ emotions tell us things as well: they tell us what we like at the moment. So it’s worth stepping back now and then when we feel the things in the right-hand column. Think about what you’re getting that means your brain is firing the emotional systems in all those deliciously juicy ways that make you feel warm and fluffy inside. How can you continue to make sure you get those things?

In coaching, I tend to focus on the goal (the right side of the table) and we work together to remove barriers and form a plan to achieve your goal. In counselling, the focus tends to be exploration of what you are feeling that doesn’t feel good (left side of the table), and you explore why you are feeling things – and what your underlying needs are. This brings about a deeper understanding of self to bring about lasting change.

But with both methodologies, we will look at what you actually want, and what the emotions you feel (or want to feel) tell you, and will help guide you to what to do next.

Want to know more? Use the contact us form to arrange a complimentary chat with either me (Matthew, coaching / hypnotherapy) or Paul (counselling). And we’ll help you be able to recognise the messages from the whole palette of your emotions.

Surviving the Holidays

Wed, 10 Dec 2025 10:34:03 GMT

Getting through the emotional turmoil that holidays bring

Christmas alone?

Hanukah with the homophobes?

Kwanzaa with people who judge you?

New Years separated from your loved ones?

As we move into the holiday season, many people find this time more emotionally demanding than expected. Even when things look festive on the outside, what’s happening inside can be very different — stress, pressure, loneliness, old family dynamics, or complicated feelings can all surface. If this season feels heavy or overwhelming, please know you’re not alone.

To help you stay grounded, here are a few simple practices from our counsellor, Paul, which you may find find supportive:

Keep things manageable

Give yourself permission to reduce pressure and expectations and do what YOU want. You don’t need to do everything, attend everything, or feel a certain way. Choosing what truly matters to you, and gently letting go of what doesn’t, can dramatically reduce stress.

Allow your emotions to exist

Tough feelings don’t mean you’re doing something wrong. They are valid responses to a demanding time of year, and they are telling you something. Try to name what you're feeling (“I’m tired,” “I feel disconnected,” “I’m anxious about X”). Naming emotions often softens their intensity.

Create small moments to breathe

Even 1–2 minutes of slow breathing can help your nervous system settle. A simple practice: breathe in for 4 seconds, out for 6. Repeat a few times. It signals safety and reduces overwhelm.

Reach out when you need support

Whether it’s a friend, a safe person, or one of us at Consciously Kinky, staying connected can make a big difference. A message, a brief check-in, or a shared moment of honesty, or simply unpacking what is going on in our minds can ease feelings of isolation.

Don’t forget, we also offer WhatsApp counselling, so even when you’re at home with your parents and paper thin walls, we can help.

Set boundaries where needed

If certain situations, conversations, or people drain you, it’s okay to step back, excuse yourself, or limit time spent there. Boundaries protect your energy, not your distance from others.

At Consciously Kinky, both of us (Matthew and Paul) are here if you need a caring, non-judgemental space during this period. Whether it’s emotional support, a listening ear, or some grounding guidance, you’re welcome to reach out.

All parts of your life — identity, desires, struggles, and hopes — are embraced here without judgement. We’re fully kink-aware and LGBTQ+ affirming.

Your BOLT score

Wed, 03 Dec 2025 11:20:45 GMT

How well do you breathe?

If you knew your body was operating on half the oxygen it could be using… wouldn’t you want to fix that?

Your BOLT score is the quickest way to see whether your breathing is helping you—or holding you back.

The BOLT test is a simple test to find out how much carbon dioxide you can tolerate in your system. The higher the amount, the more efficient you’re breathing and the efficient you can be with the oxygen you take in.

More oxygen means more energy, clearer thinking, and a nervous system that responds instead of panicking. It also means better sleep, better stamina, and the ability to regulate your mood with far less effort.

To do the BOLT test do the following:

Find a stopwatch app on your phone and zero it.
Sit or lie in a quiet place where you won’t be distracted.
Breathe normally for a few minutes.
Breathe out normally (don’t empty your lungs), then close your mouth and hold your nose to stop yourself breathing.
Start the stopwatch.
When you get a definite urge to breathe (it may feel like your throat grabbing you, your diaphragm pushing, or a strong urge to swallow), stop the stop watch and then allow yourself to breathe as normally.

Note - this is not a test to see how long you can hold your breath - it’s a test to see how long you can last without wanting to breathe.

Do this two or three times (resting with normal breathing in-between) to make sure you have an average result.

What your results tell you:

Under ten seconds: you have a very inefficient respiratory system. You probably sigh and yawn a lot during the day as your body can’t cope with even small amounts of carbon dioxide. (Be careful, there may be medical reasons for this such as asthma or bronchitis. You may want to get yourself checked out by a doctor.)

10-20 seconds: This is ‘normal’, but normal isn’t good. You’re able to tolerate a bit of carbon dioxide in your system, but you’re not very efficient at breathing. You might experience breathlessness during exercise (or sex) more than others, and you might have breathing difficulties.

20-30 seconds: This is good. You’re getting a load of energy out of the oxygen that you breathe in and you’re able to cope with a fair bit of carbon dioxide. You can go for a while in the gym, in bed, or dancing to Kylie without getting out of breath.

Over 30 seconds: You’re probably an athlete. Your breathing is excellent. Well done.

Improving your Breathing

Most of us could do with improving our breathing. The BOLT test is a really crude measure of how good we breathe, but there are lots of other elements to suggest.

There are two main reasons for improving breathing:

1) We become more efficient at breathing, so we’re out of breath less, able to think more clearly, and sleep better.

2) We can learn how to regulate our mood with our breath alone… pulling us up when we need more energy, or calming us down when we’re stressed, angry or overwhelmed.

How do you improve?

You could do an online course on breathing, that would be fine, but it wouldn’t give you direct, in-person feedback you need to really understand your breathing as it is, and how to improve it. And you wouldn’t be able to ask questions like “What does cigar smoking do for my breathing?” “How do poppers affect the lungs?” and “Where does breath control fit into all of this?”

For that, and to learn with a load of like-minded people in a totally kink-aware, LGBTQ+ affirming space, you’ll need to come to our breathwork workshops. Take a look at the Workshops page of this site to find out when the next one is!

What is Hypnotherapy?

Wed, 12 Nov 2025 09:13:38 GMT

Hypnotherapy: change while you relax

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What is Counselling?

Wed, 12 Nov 2025 08:47:25 GMT

Counselling: Finding Clarity and Insights.

At Consciously Kinky we use four key methodologies: Coaching, Counselling, Hypnotherapy and EMDR. Over the coming weeks, we'd like to tell you about each one and how it could benefit you.

Today, the spotlight is on Counselling.

I'm Paul. I have a background in Person Centred Counselling, but I take an integrative approach. I has a foundation degree in counselling and hundreds of hours of therapy work under my belt. I'm a member of the BACP (British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy).

Counselling is a supportive and confidential process where a trained professional helps you explore your thoughts, feelings, and experiences and what they mean for you.

Counselling provides a safe space to talk about personal challenges, whether they’re related to mental health, relationships, stress, trauma, grief, or major life decisions .

Unlike talking to a friend or family member, counselling is a non-judgmental space where you’re free to speak openly without fear of being criticised or misunderstood. This is particularly important to us at Consciously Kinky where we know how often people misinterpret, judge or shame our sexuality or desires.

Put simply, friends and family (and some other therapists) are usually keen to push their own view and perspective, whereas counselling with Consciously Kinky explores what you feel and what your inner thoughts mean for you.

No judgement. No shame.

One of the main benefits of counselling is gaining clarity and insight into your own thoughts and behaviour. A counsellor can help you understand patterns that may be keeping you stuck or unhappy, and work with you to develop healthier ways of coping.

It’s not about being told what to do—rather, it’s a collaborative process that empowers you to make choices that feel right for you.

Counselling can also help reduce symptoms of anxiety, depression, and other emotional struggles. Talking things through can lighten emotional burdens and help you feel less overwhelmed or alone .

It can improve your self-esteem, relationships, and overall emotional resilience . Even if you’re not in crisis, counselling can be a proactive way to look after your mental health and well-being.

You might consider counselling if you’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, something is not sitting right with you, or you simply want a better understanding of yourself.

Whether you're facing a specific issue or just feel that something’s not quite right, speaking to a counsellor can offer support and perspective.

It’s a step toward investing in yourself and your quality of life —and many people find that even a few sessions can make a meaningful difference. I’ve seen people who have made changes that have altered the course of their lives after working with me.

I offer a complimentary no-obligation 45-minute discovery session . We can meet, understand each other better, and we can discuss your challenges. You’ll have the opportunity to ask questions and check that I can support you.

Get in touch if you’d like to know more about kink-aware and LGBTQ+ affirming counselling / therapy.

The Window of Tolerance: Understanding Your Nervous System and Emotional Balance

Mon, 10 Nov 2025 20:08:50 GMT

Learn how your body and mind work together through the Window of Tolerance — and how hypnotherapy, counselling, EMDR and breathwork can help widen it.

Alan ran down the road, trying to see if he was still being pursued. Glancing over his shoulder, he saw Barry, the psychotic serial killer, swinging an axe at him. Alan’s heart was nice and slow, and his breathing well moderated. He considered how he’d discuss last month’s sales figures with his boss. He kept running as fast as he could, realising that if Barry took just a couple more steps, there would be no meeting with the boss.

Lying on the beach, Carol felt the warm sun’s rays bathe her. She looked out over the perfect view, with no one else around. She sipped her cocktail while feeling increasingly angry at the beauty before her. Her breathing sped up, and her heartbeat increased as she realised this was her life now, since winning the lottery. Just sunbathing, cocktails and massages with the hot guys in the five-star hotel she now owned. Her focus started to pull in until all she could see were the beautiful shells on the beach that was hers and hers alone.

Something feels rather off in the stories of Alan and Carol. I don’t know about you, but if I were being chased by a mass murderer, I wouldn’t be considering banal things like meetings with my boss. And if I had won the lottery, anger wouldn’t be my expected outcome.

Why these stories feel wrong

The reason we don’t find ourselves in these strange situations is that our bodies and brains have developed great ways of making sure everything acts as it should.

When we’re in danger, we stop overthinking and start acting fast and impulsively. It’s as though our subconscious mind takes over and does whatever it can to keep us safe — running away, fighting back, or freezing.

When there’s nothing to worry about, we can relax and let our bodies get on with the background work of repair and digestion. Think about that first day off after a long, stressful week: you’re chilled, maybe a little braindead, but deeply at ease.

Introducing the Window of Tolerance

The Window of Tolerance is a model of how the body and mind respond to different levels of stimulation. It includes these two states, plus a third.

The “I’m in danger — do something now, don’t think about it!” state is called hyper-arousal .

The opposite state — “Chill out, there’s nothing to do but relax” — is called hypo-arousal.

These shifts aren’t random — they’re driven by your autonomic nervous system, the same system that regulates heart rate, breathing, and digestion.

The third state is called the window of tolerance, and we’ll come back to that.

When we’re in the wrong state

Alan — our hapless potential victim — should really have been in hyper-arousal, focused on running or fighting back.

Carol, on the other hand, should have been in hypo-arousal, slow, calm, and relaxed.

The issue with hyper- and hypo-arousal is that, as useful as they are, they don’t help us live everyday life very well. While we’re fighting or fleeing, it’s hard to think clearly. When we’re so chilled out that we’re numb or detached, we can’t connect or act effectively.

The middle way: the Window of Tolerance

The middle way is the window of tolerance. This is the state where we can think clearly.

Our bodies are ready for action — but only if it’s needed. Our minds are alert but calm enough for coherent thought. Breathing is steady, the heart rate even, and we feel safe enough to experience emotions without being overwhelmed.

Some people seem to have a very wide window of tolerance. They keep their cool in stressful situations and don’t become disconnected when things quieten down.

Others have a narrow window of tolerance — small changes to plans can throw them into a spin, or brief stillness can slide into low mood or withdrawal.

How to widen your window

Think about your own responses. Do you find yourself getting angry or scared more easily than others? Do you sometimes feel numb even in exciting situations? If so, your window of tolerance may need widening.

At Consciously Kinky, we offer several ways to help you expand that window:

Hypnotherapy allows you to explore challenging feelings — especially those that usually push you into hyper-arousal — from a calm, safe state. For example, if you get stressed thinking about presenting at work, trance can help you retrain that stress response while deeply relaxed.

Counselling helps you understand your mind more deeply — where thoughts and feelings come from, and why they persist. That self-awareness can help widen your window of tolerance.

EMDR can help stop your subconscious from triggering hyper-arousal when old memories are stirred. By reintegrating those memories, you can notice triggers without flipping into the wrong state.

Breathwork helps you move between states. Different breathing styles can either calm you or activate your system, depending on what’s needed. It also helps you notice where you are and listen to your body’s cues in the moment.

Where are you most often?

Which of these states do you find yourself in more often than you’d like?

What is EMDR?

Thu, 25 Sep 2025 08:58:11 GMT

EMDR: A way to overcome trauma

At Consciously Kinky we use four key methodologies: Coaching, Counselling, Hypnotherapy and EMDR. Over the coming weeks, we'd like to tell you about each one and how it could benefit you.

In this email, the spotlight is on EMDR.

I'm Matthew . I'm trained in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) and have used it successfully with a broad range of clients.

EMDR is, in a word, strange.

From the outside point of view, it looks like I’m waving my arms around in front of a client, almost like I’m doing a school kid impression of an elephant.

But, somehow, while I’m waving my arms*, somehow, the client is re-processing past traumas, unlocking memories and helping themselves heal. *(Or tapping your shoulders, or you’re doing a flappy thing on your chest with your hands… there’s several of ways of working together.)

Nobody really knows how or why it works. I don’t pretend to, but my suspicion is that it helps the client take a traumatic memory that they’ve hidden away in their unconscious and connect it with their more logical brain parts. The client is asked to think about the traumatic memories, but in a very safe, supportive environment.

Doing EMDR allows the client to treat the traumatic event in the same way as normal memories - it’s not gone away, but the response to it is more appropriate. The memory is brought into awareness and integrated in the way the brain works - so it doesn’t change the way the unconscious reacts in unpredictable ways.

For example, I had a client who had an extremely traumatic event happen when they were about 12. The memory of the event was so triggering that they couldn’t integrate it with the rest of their memories. It was sitting there, in the middle of my client’s brain, like a stone.

We spent a few hours doing EMDR together and, gradually, the memory became more connected. Memories of what happened next surfaced… and then compassion, understanding and acceptance was found for that 12 year old kid who had been through a really, really horrible experience.

He told me after the experience that he felt lighter and less burdened by the memory that he’d been so diligently trying to suppress.

Another client had problems driving due to a horrendous accident. After spending some time doing EMDR, he messaged me the next day telling me that he had started driving again. His journey wasn't over, but he had made a significant step forward.

Trauma is a problem for lots of people. Biologically we are programmed to ignore traumatic experiences Yet the ignoring becomes counterproductive over time and actually hinders us. EMDR can help you to overcome that.

EMDR has been studied as a treatment for PTSD and other challenges and is recommended by the World Health Organisation (WHO) and (National Institute for Health and Care Excellence) NICE. EMDR is particularly good when there are one or two traumatic events that everything else seems to stem from.

It’s not quite so appropriate (although it can help) when events continued for extended periods of time. Counselling can be better for those challenges.

For rather obvious reasons, I don’t want to fill this email with a list of the type of negative experiences that EMDR would be good at helping you with. So if you’ve got something on your mind and you would like to check out if EMDR would work for you, then get in touch . If I feel that counselling, hypnotherapy or even coaching would be better, I’ll tell you.

We can also arrange a complimentary chat about what your needs are, and I can answer any questions about how EMDR is done (it can be online or in person), how many sessions I feel would be useful for you to work with me, and if I think it’s right for you.

What is Coaching?

Thu, 28 Aug 2025 08:39:54 GMT

So what exactly is Coaching?

At Consciously Kinky we use four key methodologies: Coaching, Counselling, Hypnotherapy and EMDR. Over the coming weeks, we'd like to tell you about each one and how it could benefit you.

This week, the spotlight is on coaching.

I'm Matthew. I'm an ICF (International Coaching Federation) accredited coach. (I've got a PCC and over 900 hours of coaching under his belt for people who are impressed by these things.)

I remember when I was first handed a card from someone who claimed to be a life coach. I remember thinking “How could you possibly have the audacity to tell me how to live my life?”

Of course, that’s not what a life coach (or any other type of coach) does. When I’m doing my whole BDSM Master thing, I tell people what to do. When I’m working with coaching clients, I’m more likely to ask questions to help them gain new awarenesses about their own lives.

Believe it or not, you’re pretty good at life.

If you’re reading this then you’ve made it to adulthood, can read, have enough money to have a device that you can read it on.

You have more skills than you know. Coaching can help you find those resources within you.

But sometimes, our lives simply don’t go the way we would like them to. Maybe your life has taken a turn you weren’t anticipating or maybe it’s not going the way you hoped. Maybe it feels like you’re not going anywhere fast, or you can’t work out where you want to go.

What coaching can do is to give you a space to work out how to better use the skills and resources you already have and make your life more successful as a result.

Who do you work with?

I could give you countless success stories from my clients. I’ve coached people across the globe and of all walks of life.

Here’s just a few examples:

- Students looking to overcome procrastination.

- Early career professionals hoping to find a path.

- Middle managers trying to improve leadership skills.

- CEOs and business owners building their companies trying to make more money.

- Retirees navigating a new life after work, or the death of loved ones.

- People trying to overcome addictions, lose weight, reduce pain, sleep better, reduce anxiety or become better singers.

- Couples working to improve their relationships, become open or overcome infidelity.

- People coming out as LGBTQ+ or discovering BDSM.

- People who are newly single and navigating life on their own.

- People who have been doing the same thing for too long and just feel stuck.

All of my clients are promised: No Judgement, No Shame, No need for Apologies for being yourself.

Paul and I set up Constantly Kinky because we were constantly told by people in the community that traditional coaches and therapists did not understand their lifestyle. We promise you will get not judgement here.

Everyone I've worked with is safe knowing there's no judgement, no shame. Which means that I often work with people who are LGBTQ+, poly or kinky who want to be sure they can talk about their whole lives.

Some frequently asked questions about coaching:

Do you tell people what to do in their lives?

Nope. I don’t live your life and I’ve no reason to know what you should do with your life any better than you do already.

Do you teach your clients?

Sometimes, but not often. For example, I may tell my clients about a model that will help their leadership or their understanding of themselves. But it's not really about teaching, it's more about offering something that could lead to a new perspective.

Is there anything you don’t work with?

Coaching is mainly future-focused. I work to help you to define goals, overcome challenges and to find success. What I don’t do in coaching is to delve into the past, work with traumas, childhood issues, deep anxiety etc.

This doesn’t mean that someone with trauma can’t have coaching - they can. But in coaching itself we won’t be trying to heal the wounds that traumatic experiences have left behind. EMDR (which I also offer) and counselling (offered by Paul) are better methodologies for dealing with traumas and other upsets. At Consciously Kinky we offer an integrated way of working so you can be supported throughout your journey.

Similarly, you may come to coaching whilst you have health (or mental health) conditions, but I'd background rather than trying to fix them. A good example was one person I worked with who had bipolar disorder. It was being well treated by doctors, but we had to be aware that she would sometimes have very low periods of life and discussed how to cope with her work during these periods. We didn’t try to fix the bipolar disorder itself.

What’s a coaching session like?

Each is different, as each client has different needs and I tailor my approach to match them. Most start with the client bringing a challenge (“I want to make a decision” or “I want to overcome something” are common) and then we will work together to plan a route forward. More often than not, the challenge they bring is only part of the problem. Coaching is flexible and flows to where you need it to go.

How much is coaching?

I have various packages available for different people. The price that I charge will be based on your circumstance, your challenge, and the time we spend together. One thing I always say is that I don't want price to be a barrier. If you're on a low wage, or you're a student, let me know and we can work something out.

How do I find out more?

Contact me today to organise a complimentary ‘Experience Coaching’ session. We will do some real coaching together. You’ll see what it is I do (and how I do it), plus there’s time to discuss what working together would be like, the cost, and for you to ask any questions you may have.